No Questions Asked
I recently stumbled upon a hilarious collection of common (and satirised) “proofs” for the existence of a divine being. Of these 500+ arguments, I have heard at least half from theists, and for that reason I advise both humour-seeking atheists and explanation-seeking theists to have a look at them. Theists using these arguments: no doubt you have heard this before, but none of these arguments are going to convert anyone, especially anyone who has taken the time to read the far stronger reasons as to why they are flawed (Ebon deals with the less-absurd-sounding arguments beautifully here).
I’ll leave it up to you to tackle the whole list, but here’s some of my personal favourites (some jokes, some frighteningly used seriously by theists).
49. ARGUMENT FROM PAROCHIALISM
(1) God is everywhere.
(2) We haven’t been everywhere to prove he’s not there.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
79. ARGUMENT FROM PERSONAL SANITY
(1) I’ve had religious experiences that can’t be explained unless I’m insane or God exists.
(2) Therefore, God exists.
89. BENDER’S ARGUMENT (II) (ARGUMENT FROM DAVID BLAINE)
(1) If David Blaine does real magic, then God exists.
(2) It looked real on his TV special.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
99. ARGUMENT FROM OFFENSE
(1) God exists.
(2) [Atheist makes counterarguments.]
(3) You know what? I am offended.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
174. ARGUMENT FROM STUPIDITY [Perhaps the most convincing of all.]
(1) I am stupid.
(2) God made man in his own image.
(3) There are all horrible disasters going around the world.
(4) God is omnipotent in power.
(5) God is too stupid to do anything about these things.
(6) Therefore, God exists.
211. ARGUMENT FROM WOW
(1) When I look into the sky and see all the pretty stars, all those galaxies…
(2) Wow.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
441. ARGUMENT FROM MESSED UP TRINITARIAN REASONING
(1) God is three.
(2) Three’s a crowd.
(3) A crowd consists of people.
(4) People exist.
(5) Therefore, God exists.
544. ARGUMENT FROM NEGATIVE DIVINE JUSTICE (II)
(1) If there is no God, then gays and others who do things I don’t like may never be punished.
(2) I want them to be punished.
(3) Only God could give us Divine Justice and punish them.
(4) Therefore, God exists.
Finally, one with interesting connotations:
39. ARGUMENT FROM NONBELIEF
(1) The majority of the world’s population are nonbelievers in Christianity.
(2) This is just what Satan intended.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
This is indeed what Satan intended! And he’s winning! The endless numbers of Christian sects make up only 33% of the world’s population! The remaining 67% have been tempted from the Path of Christ by Satan! Is God really that powerless to stop Satan from tricking these people into evil lives, bound for eternal torment at God’s reluctant-but-necessary hand of justice? For someone who was once second-in-command to God, old Lucifer’s doing pretty well for himself. Oh, and that’s not including the fact that a great deal of said Christian sects think the other Christian sects are also under Satan’s dominance.
Of course, this 67% as a whole doesn’t particularly offend Christians; no, it’s the 2.5%-strong atheists who are the real danger. All these others have at least some sort of divine belief — but atheists are arrogant enough to claim there’s nothing divine at all. How dare they stand opposed to the religious wars, church bigotry and indoctrination, creationist pseudoscience and discriminating dogma that are part of most world religions? How dare they abandon the restraints of a worship-bound existence, to seek self-fulfilment and humanistic goals? How dare they think themselves so much more intelligent than us?
No, these arguments for God make as much impact on atheists as our arguments make on theists, for two completely different reasons. Regardless, I urge theists to look not to proof of a divine being in words or holy books: look to the world; to what religion truly is and to what it strives for; to what has come about as a result of faith-dependent superstition; and to the impact it has had on your own moral urges and your own life.
Is it coincedence that a person’s religion is directly derived from the religion of local, surrounding people? Is it coincedence that religion tells you that all arguments defying their doctrines are indisputedly false? Is it coincedence that religion’s ultimate reward — eternal life — is in a place where no one can ever disprove its existence? Is it coincedence that your religious leaders “forget” to enlighten you as to the darker verses of your holy book? And is it coincedence that you have absolutely nothing except their word and “a fuzzy feeling inside you” that what they’re telling you is true?
Of course, from an atheist’s point of view, none of these things are a coincedence – just religion.
